I think there has only been one time in my life in which I sat on my knees crying and begged God to understand why something in my life had happened. Case in point the unseen and unanticipated loss of my Aunt Tammy on her 50th birthday (which also happened to be Mother’s Day). You know it’s one of those situations where your entire family is gathered in a hospital and tears are falling and you feel Empty. Lost. Confused. Heartbroken. I count myself lucky that I have only experienced such a situation once in my life and I am nearing 28.
However, recently I feel like I have been hit with wave after wave of horribly unfortunate stories involving friends and family. Some are directly connected to people I know and others are just incidences I have happened to stumble upon whether through friends on Facebook or through church etc. And for whatever reason it just seems that life as a whole keeps getting uglier. Maybe society just has a sick masochistic side that seems to get more attention than deems necessary or maybe it’s the truth and the world is getting uglier as a whole. Who knows for sure, because I don’t.
My problem with it all is that I’m sitting here waiting. I’m waiting for it to strike my house. I know, I know, that’s irrational and it’s unpreventable, but guess what IT. HAPPENS. You know that question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Well, it’s because good people don’t really exist. Sure, there are people who do less evil than others, but let’s be honest even Mother Theresa had her faults. I don’t think you can actually “good behavior” your way out of bad things happening.
Yes, you can choose to make wise choices that will prevent ugly consequences, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the unexplainable happening to the person you least expect. I guess my fear comes from knowing that my life has been pretty stinking swell. Honestly, if I’m being truthful it’s damn near perfect. My sister says it’s my perspective and that other people in my position would still find things to complain about, want, desire or hope for, but I’m not sure.
Of course, there are still things I want, desire, or hope for, but as a whole there is very little I’m left pining after. I have never been so content, peaceful, excited, elated, joyous, grateful etc. Well, scratch that. I’ve pretty much been that way my whole life, but even more so I feel like this needs to balance out. That somewhere out there, lightning is going to strike because I’ve been hoarding all of the happiness and the bolt will soon find me.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not up all night worrying about what might happen and I don’t make decisions based upon this ridiculous fear, but it is something that blankets my mind from time to time. I get a sick relief when crazy/horrible things happen to me thinking I’ve managed to hold off that bolt a little bit longer. Which in turn drives the people around me batty because there is little in life that can get me down. Even after digging through my black widow infested trash can to rescue my iPhone, I managed to keep a smile on my face.
So maybe my issue is that I never see the really horrible things as horrible even when they do happen. I’m definitely the glass is half-full type of girl and I’m optimistic to a fault (for the most part). But even still I feel like something major lurks around the corner. It taunts me from time to time and I really have to capture it and wrestle it to the ground. It doesn’t plague me necessarily, but whenever I hear another bad story, I can’t help, but wonder… “Am I next?”
Am I alone in this or does anyone else feel the same way?
Maybe I should just buy lightning rods.